Anxiety. Depression. ADHD. All confirmed diagnoses. I’ve been in the dark rooms and tunnels. I’ve spent days not showering, overeating, and isolating myself. I’ve been hypersexual. I’ve had days and weeks at a time where it’s not even 10 a.m., and I’m popping open a wine/beer cooler, making a mixed drink, or taking 2-3 shots. I’ve been let go from jobs due to attendance because I couldn’t get up for work.
The mental disorders on top of my arthrogryposis, continuous grief, and other health concerns don’t make days easy. There are hotlines, support groups, templates, and guides. But to be honest with ya’ll, in the moment of darkness and despair, you’re not thinking twice about any of that.
In April of 2024, I took a pair of scissors and cut myself. One morning last year, heading to work, I wanted to end it all. I had spoken with my therapist and psychiatrist about the different options available for inpatient/outpatient treatment at local mental facilities.
I was open to it.
But here was the thing: at the time, my insurance only covered so much. And more importantly, I’d miss work and be without income. The bills don’t stop, so what good would that have done? I’d be returning to an even bigger mess, and all that time would’ve been for nothing.
The first time I experienced therapy, I was at SMC (S/O to Ms. O). She was my first therapist. Different factors played a part, but I went through a handful of therapists before I found my match. Many people, especially in the black community, are skeptical about therapists. Or if they got a therapist, they’d prefer them to be black. There’s nothing wrong with that, but my advice? Still try. Be open and optimistic. If the first therapist isn’t working out for you, give yourself time and try again. It’s not easy to open up to a stranger, but the unbiased opinion and the safe space the experience provides can be rewarding.
Everyone doesn’t believe in taking medicine for mental health. The biggest fear and concern is dependency. I was against it as well, in the beginning.
I’d get prescribed the medicine and not be consistent. After a couple of days of taking it, I’d feel weird, and I’d stop. Once I realized being medicated isn’t the end of the world, and can be temporary, I revisited the idea.
Finding the right medicine is challenging. It’s a trial-and-error period. Different medications and dosages can have various effects on you and your body. That alone is discouraging, but once the correct medications match up with your body, along with a knowledgeable psychiatrist, it becomes more manageable.
“People are better than no people.” A quote from a patient on Grey’s Anatomy. When I’m at my worst, I isolate. I tell myself, I don’t want to ruin the mood or energy of whoever I’m around. I don’t want to be a burden with my problems or cause too much unnecessary worry.
There was a period when I reached out to certain people in my life. I was honest and told them I wasn’t okay. That the urge to self-harm and no longer wanting to be in this life was more frequent. I was reaching out for extra support and check-ins. I felt supported and heard by some, but not by others. In the end, it took a while, but I had to learn to gravitate toward and lean on the ones who were more present.
Honestly, what truly has saved my life is being a Believer. Remembering that God needs me to fulfill my purpose in this life. Reminding myself that He won’t put more on me than I can bear. Reminding myself to trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5), not to be anxious for tomorrow (Philippians 4:6-7), and tomorrow will work itself out (Matthew 6:34).
I’m not going to sugarcoat anything; I still have bad days. There are still periods of hopelessness. I still have moments when I’m fighting the urge to self-harm or worse.
Want to know my secret? Once the day is over, I thank God and give myself a pat on the back. I got through the day! One day at a time is all it takes.
Often you’ll hear, “You never know what people are going through, so be kind.” Take heed of the advice. It’s true. A nice gesture, compliment, a random call/text, or a listening ear can make all the difference. There have been plenty of times when I’m having a bad day, and I’m reminded of my importance within my circle and the world.
For the reader, this post is meant for. I see you. You’re not alone. You are important, and you matter. Something today may have happened that was your “13th Reason.” Pause, push, and above all, pray. Talk to God. Tomorrow will be better, and there is, in fact, light at the end of the tunnel.
If you need a psychologist and/or psychiatrist, Psychology Today is a terrific resource. You can filter your search based on gender, insurance, and needed focus.
Want to share your story? Coping strategies? Or resources? Comment below.
#stillRising
#stillRising 