In my memorial, happy birthday post about my Mama, I mentioned my raw feelings towards her in my adolescent years. In that, Mother’s Day was always more focused on my Nanny. Then I had a stage where I yearned to spend Mother’s Day with my Mama. There was a point where I had one foot on the “I hate you” side and the other foot on the “it’s time to forgive” side. Straddling these two lines made me want to at least search for her and tell her “Happy Mother’s Day.” Finally, I got to know my Mama and wanted to make sure she wasn’t forgotten, remind her she was loved, and to say “Happy Mother’s Day.”
It’s my first Mother’s Day without my Mama. People are right. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Because my Mama’s presence was so come-and-go, as well as my feelings towards her. There would be a brief sadness at the start of the day due to my Mama’s absence, but the day was always focused on my Nanny. With that, I have guilt for missing her this strongly for Mother’s Day.
But as I built my relationship with her, and as the peace and forgiveness set in, along with the knowledge I gained about the process of giving birth for women, the guilt turned into sadness. Sadness because I can no longer celebrate her the way she deserved to be. I can’t celebrate both my Mama and Nanny together at the same time in the same room.
For my Nanny, I’m working and driving now. I couldn’t wait for the day I would be able to pamper her. Or surprise her with flowers and a card. Or see her face light up when my uncles, who live in another state, come into town to visit, along with my aunt, who also surprises her with a call or visit. She never liked too big a fuss to be made over her. She was always happy with the bare minimum from us, and to enjoy the rare moments she’d get with her grown kids and grandkids.
As I do every year, I will acknowledge and show appreciation to all the mothers in my life, whether that be my aunts, cousins, friends, or bonus moms. But, I can’t ignore the fact that it’s my first Mother’s Day without my mom and the fifth Mother’s Day without my Nanny.
For the ones experiencing another year or their first year without their mother or that significant maternal figure, you’re not alone. I see you. We will get through this.
For the mothers and significant maternal figure that are still with us.Thank you for your sacrifices and unconditional love. We celebrate you.
For the women celebrating their first Mother’s Day. Welcome to Motherhood. The first of many celebrations.
In the comments, drop your favorite picture or reminisce on a memory with your mom.
#stillRising
#stillRising 