Mother’s Day changed for me on August 13th, 2021. My grandma, my Nanny, the only mother I have ever known went home to the be with Lord. These past couple of weeks leading up to today has been rough. I’ve been extra emotional and triggered thinking about her and missing her.
My Nanny and I did not get along much growing up. It was like she was present, but not present. She just seemed so angry and it felt like she didn’t want to deal with me a lot of times. We stayed bumping heads and getting into it. But don’t get me wrong, we had our moments. It wasn’t until I got older, that I understood why she did and said some of the things she did. If I could go back and have known those things sooner, things would have been different, I feel.
In remembrance of her and Mother’s Day, I want to get personal. I want to share parts of a letter I wrote to her back in August as a way to help with my grief:
Nanny,
June 17th is the date it all started. I remember the day vividly. It was probably 6 or 7 in the evening and I was sitting in my car, on the phone with my best friend when my aunt texted me.
“Have you talked to pop?”
“About what? I talked to him yesterday.”
“Mom.”
“No.”
“She in the hospital, ain’t she?”
“Not that I know of.”
“Huh. You sure?”
“Yeah. He didn’t mention it to me last night……is she?”
And that’s when she called and told me you had the stroke. I’ve always had a general idea of what a stroke is and the damage it can cause. You may lose feeling, your face may sag, and you may lose mobility, but the loss of speech was a new one to me. Sometimes, I feel that’s when I really lost you. It really makes you think about how being able to talk is taken for granted.
I remember that Saturday when I came to see you in the hospital. I walked in and your face lit up. You had your arms out for me to hug you. I knew then at that point, you were probably already tired of Papa. It broke my heart not to hear you talk. But I knew you well enough to know what you were trying to say some of the time. God, I wanted you to speak one more time before you left. I mean to hear you say anything would’ve been okay for me.
The whole time you were in the hospital, I just kept thinking about all the things you used to complain about while being in hospitals before. How you can’t sleep because the nurses are always walking in every hour or how they always take forever to come in when you press that button. Or how bad the food was, but you loved your hospital ice. Between you and Papa, I know you gave every single nurse and doctor hell. But I know you were ready to come home. I know you missed your bed.
I think about how Tray told me you got up that morning and went to the bathroom yourself. You know damn well you had no business doing that lol, but being as stubborn as you are, I wasn’t too surprised. But you know what’d I say, “Nanny, you know better.”
The second time you were in the hospital, I remember again, walking in, and you just looked so sad and tired. I remember telling you it was okay to go then. I’ve been there for the past 10-15 years as you got older, as the body aches arose, and the feeling of being just fed up. You would think that I’d be more okay with you being gone, but I’m not.
As I entered college, I know that you were always very proud of me. Looking back, I can just recall you bragging about me. “Yeah, she doesn’t let anything stop her. She’ll get up on the stage and do this and do that.” It just went to show you were present in your own way, even when I didn’t think you were. I remember coming home on the weekends and I just know I was about to go shopping in the kitchen, lol. You were always happy to see me.
I can honestly say that I am pleased with our final year together. Moving in with T may have been a step that I made too soon, but it was the best decision for our relationship. As I reached a certain age, it’s as if you looked at me differently, but in a good way. You respected that I’d grown up and supported whatever decision I made. It made it easier to talk to you about certain things.
I will never forget Mother’s Day 2021. I was able to get you out of the house and we all know how rare that is. We both enjoyed ourselves and I’m glad you didn’t renege on me lol.
Nanny, you have really hurt me with this one. Sometimes it’s hard to believe. It’s like I forget, but then reality hits. You’re really gone. You’re dead and not coming back. Going to the house will never be the same. I’ve been there twice since you’ve left and both times I’ve just wanted to lie on your side of the bed and cry. I wish you would’ve taken better care of yourself. I wish you would’ve let it be known about your final wishes. Ugh, Nanny. You were and are a great woman. A great mom. A great aunt. A great grandmother. Unfortunately, it just hit me how strong of a woman you really are. All the BS you’ve had to endure over the years. My hats are off to you. I thank you for everything that you did for me and I thank you for everything that you were to me. Lord knows that I miss you like crazy already. I know I’m selfish for wishing you were still here. But, I’m at peace knowing you’re not here in the midst of the chaos still suffering. It calms me to know you’re up there with my other grandparents, Bird, Sharon, Lynn and even Kynidei’s Nana. That alone lets me know I’ll always be covered and protected by you guys and by God. Until we meet again, I’m going to try my best to fight through this and take one day at a time. I love you Nanny. Rest on!
To the ones that are celebrating their first Mother’s Day without their mother or even the ones who are celebrating another Mother’s Day without their mother, I want to encourage us to remember the memories we have, the love they gave us, they’re proud of us and they are always with us!
Comment below your favorite memory of your mother or grandmother!
#stillRising
#stillRising 